Contentment in Where I Am Despite of My Fantasy of Living by Nature

My Own Utopian Experiment #4: Have contentment and wishes at the same time

I have been always a city girl since my childhood. I now live in a nice suburb with high property tax bracket that comes with good public schools and other accommodations like many options of restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls, cafes, etc. Yes, I do enjoy it once in a while on weekends. I sometimes wonder if this is worth it or if I really want to live this way the rest of my life. It works for now while I do have a full-time job (still many years ahead of me) and my kid is still in school. I often tend to think things in a long term. I asked these questions time to time.

I have a fantasy that I do not talk very often with other people. It is a very intimate and personal one. I often fantasize about living in a rural and old town close to nature. Ideally, the town access to mountains and water like ocean, river or lake. My ideal town consists a small number of populations. Everyone knows everyone. There are no big franchised stores but small locally-owned businesses. The stores are full of local stuff like fresh veggies, fruits, crafts, cheeses, bread and perhaps wines too. Right now, I grocery shop once a week (my favorite kind of shopping) for the most part as a working mom. I feel prepared this way for a week. Where I go is major chain grocery store. In my ideal old town, I would buy fresh and local groceries just for one dinner each time knowing exactly where it came from. My cooking will represent my mood and cravings more and also what are in seasons. I can be inspired by what I see in the store each evening. Nothing much more would matter than taking care of my home, cooking meals, person times, meet friends, walk in nature and do less. Do nothing whenever I can. I call this as my fantasy instead of a dream since it does not include making a living part. I do not know how to earn my living in rural and country area at all. It feels unrealistic without figuring that out.

I call this fantasy for another reason. There is no active planning to look into this to make the first step. I am actually not good with transitions especially moving away from people I care. I am someone who sobs when I move to a long distance. I tend to sit on the idea and entertains pro and cons over and over. Moving from A to B will bring other unexpected challenges on top of the expected. I admit I am not sure if I want to deal with it or should want to deal with it. Change is hard. In order for me to make this kind of decision, life circumstances almost had to push me in the past. Besides, I do not really know if I am going to enjoy living there either. Again, I have been a city girl. I never lived in rural area.

This idea all started with a few incidents in nature. I am a sensitive person and especially with sounds. I tend to enjoy in quiet places and feel the time goes slow. I love the background sounds that nature provides. I love the sounds of wind, birds, small animals bustling in woods, etc. I enjoy to sit in quiet nature. Have you sited at one spot in nature doing nothing for so long that you no longer feel your own existence? You no longer know the barrier between you and the nature. You are the nature and the nature are you. There’s no difference between you and a chipmunk passing by or a weed in forest. I experienced this one time. I witnessed the entire unfolding process of sun setting to the first star followed by many. After this happened once, it happened more often and seamlessly. The smell of bark, wood, moss and the air. Each season smells different. Each season has its own gifts and beauty. I want to witness it as I breath. The craving to experience these is high. Ideally, I want it daily basis as part of my ordinary days. I love the idea that we co-exist in nature, part of my home.  

I really love the idea of slow living. Simple life. I can’t separate this from my identity. It is embedded. I am happier and feel like myself this way. Do less is doing more. Having and doing less means more space in all aspects of my life. All of them combined is more freedom. I try to achieve it while I am living in a suburb but my craving to live in nature is there. I can’t deny it. I don’t try to push away either. There is no wrong desire. What I want and crave is part of me. I do have enough self-respect to accept it. It does not matter if it is realistic or not at the moment. I enjoy as much as I can here, birds that visit to my windows and my evergreen. I attempt to witness snow sparkles at moonlight. I love the smell of rain and each season. The different shades of sunlight and sky. Clouds are cotton candies provided by nature. All different shapes. I play a game to name clouds with my child, dino, bat, butterflies, etc. I try to create the slowing living in the busy suburb city with my books, walks and writing without rushing. I feel calm and the time passing slow when I have these calming and relaxing activities. I am the center of my own universe. I am sensitive to my welling being and feelings. I practice to do nothing but be with myself. The art of being! I enjoy the time spent with myself. I wish I have more nature. It is just a wish but I already know I can’t earn happiness with the external thing. Where I live can’t and should not be the core of my contentment. When I am contented with this life, I will be contented anywhere else, in nature too. If we let go of idea, we are unhappy when we don’t get what we want. We are truly free to hold wishes and have the contentment at the same time. What’s your fantasy?