My Own Utopian Experiment #37: Embracing every chapter in life as true self and year-end greeting
2024 is almost ending. We grow and age each year. It is bittersweet. We say goodbye to a whole year but welcome another brand-new year of growing, aging and living with ups and downs. I wish all of us more ups. There are many negative images out there on getting old but I find there are many upsides of getting old. I hear some people miss their 20s. I get it. We all miss the youth but all the possibilities in some ways. I do not miss my 20s. I honestly think I am getting older and better at the same time as long as I am healthy. While I had my youth and sky-high possibilities, I did not know fully who I really was. That single fact affected everything. There are values that the culture, generations, schools, stories, media and other people tell us. I had to unlearn everything that was not mine. The journey took time, efforts, contemplation, experiments and reflections along with agonies. There’s no way I want to go back and do this all over again. I have lived and done it. I am happy where I am. The journey would be a lifelong process but these are the main factors making my life much richer, happier and close to authentic contentment. I am looking forward to more of it.
- Authentic self and authentic joy: It takes time to find oneself.
If you are someone who knew yourself from the start, you are one of the very lucky ones. Most of us are not that lucky. I used to wonder if I can truly “fit” in the society and the time I was born to. I always have been doing academically and socially well but it is needed tasks in modern living. I can do needed tasks well. That is a good thing but I seem to enjoy all the things that are not “practical”. It does not amount to a career, money-making, a skill that takes my life to next level, etc. If someone ask me what’s my dream, I had hard time to describe with a few words. People usually mean an occupation. I seem not growing up and never truly will. I love books, all kind of books even children’s books. I can sit doing nothing and just play with my imaginations and contemplation. I had high curiosity in how human life and experience mingle and work together. I studied people in general especially myself. I liked “boring” conversations. I felt I should have sat near Socrates and we can have conversations all day long. I make things with papers, drawing, painting and different art projects. There never too much note books since journaling is one of my life skills to survive. I would rather take my time on the hobbies all day if I can. When I think back, I wish I nurture this side of me even more. Everything does not have to be practical. It is just because this is who I am and it is a beautiful thing. I take my needed tasks seriously as a responsible person but I am making my life richer with all the things I love to “waste” time with. Knowing myself and enjoying my own company with hobbies are true wealth to me. Even during colleague years, I did not choose my career path matching my nature. I picked the one that suited to my academic “smartness” and also the culture approved it as a good one. I ditched that plan with high fears of regretting and ruining my life in long run. How naïve I was! It is foolish thoughts that you can only afford to have when you are young. Life is multi-faceted. One decision won’t do much if I do not let it. I can do it all over again if I want to. I like myself now not wasting much time and energy on something that is not me. I get to do more things that are matching my nature.
- Peace: It takes time to make a peace with all the garbage in life.
We all have garbage. Nobody has the picture-perfect childhood and families. Life throws things randomly too. We have scars and bad memories. I have my own share as well. A few of them haunted and followed me wherever I went. I grew up and it was there. I moved and it was there. I excelled at school and it was there. I finally made a few good friends and it was still there. I even moved to another country and it followed me there as well. One day, I felt strong enough to stand my own feet financially and making my own decisions on big things. It seemed like I got it. I realized that I have been making my decisions from those scars and memories. It was still affecting my life. The decision making was done unconsciously and that was even worse. It felt trapped as if it is the permanent scars that I would never get rid of. The realization created inner turmoil and desperation but it also made my determination strong to live differently. It was not fair. The things that I suffered were not created by me. I learned to be patient with the process. I took the time needed. I sit with this part of me day to day without being harsh and judgement. I took care of it and I learned what true self-care meant. I took care of myself for the first time in the way I really needed. I was digging myself out of the hole little by little in a very caring and careful way. True archologist way! I can tell I am in peace with it. It never goes away and I still remember. The difference is that it does not cause me as much as heartaches and affect my current life. I put things behind for real. Bye!
- My people and real connection with the world
There have been lonely years. I considered myself “different”. It was not easy to find kindred hearts. I found others not opening up to me as much as I do. Even though I was always social and had friends, I easily got heartbroken. I craved much deeper relationships. I still do but it does not create any lioness or desperation that I need to look for someone. I know myself the best. Myself is the best company when I am alone. I have Mr. Peck (house sparrow, the cutest bird on this planet) visiting my window pots and evergreen daily. My area is full of neighbors, animals like birds, squirrels, geese, trees, shops and all other things. I am truly never alone. How about 37 trillion of cells in our body working day in and out? I slowly learned that kindred hearts are not supposed to be found. You need to cultivate it. You just need open heart, time and patience. I also learned if I want someone to open up to me, I have to give the energy to the other person first. It is not so much on the other person. It is about me. Even though I have done my part, some relationships do not work. Then it does not mean to and just let it be. You can’t force a relationship. I give time and some of them come back. I welcome them back and love them as much as I did before. Giving the energy and love first makes my life much better. I am not so hung up on how it would end. I care but many things are beyond my control. I just do what I can in the way my heart desires and the other person deserves. I really try. I do. I have my people this way. From outside, we do not look like kindred hearts. We are so different but able to connect deeply. Someone asked me a question what determines a friend for me. I gave her the honest answer. She seemed to be quite surprised by it. For me, anyone who likes to spend time with me is a friend. When you really think about it, everything starts from there. In modern living, everyone is busy just to keep up with your daily schedules and tasks. If there’s someone who wish to grab an hour or two for me, I would be there happily. You make friends with this attitude more than you think. Please give a thought! Real connection is at stake. Enjoy all the little creatures and people you see in your neighborhood. Say hello and exchange names. You will notice you would be happier to see them next time and even chat a bit. Life sometimes takes next level with small things. Experiment with it and have fun. Let’s call it cultivating connections.
Since it is a year end, I wish to share my reflections. Without having much big plans, I am looking forward next year, 2025. Busy growing, living and aging sound good to me. I have small plans but not so small when you get true joy and contentment. Wish you a nice rest of the 2024 and very good luck on welcoming next whole year. Please continue to join the journey being our true self and live joyful life next year as well. Sending my love as always.